Limota called me. I picked up the phone.
Limota: Prof, is this a good time to talk.
Me: You know it isn’t. It’s 2am here. I’m supposed to be sleeping now, not talking.
Limota: But I have an urgent question and you don’t sound like I woke you up.
Me: Quickly. How can I help you?
Limota: It’s this old man o. This grandpa who lives near the apartment into which we just moved. He says he wants to date me. He is almost 70 o.
Me: How old are you, Limota?
Limota: Prof! I told you last time we spoke that I’m 26.
Me: This old man, is he wealthy?
Limota: He seems financially comfortable. Owns his home, and has a cool SUV. What do you think? What do you think people will say? That I’m a gold digger or grave digger?
Me: You can’t control what people think or say. You can only control how you react to what they say.
Limota: So, I should date him? He asked me to marry him.
Me: I can give you twenty reasons to say yes. I’m going back to bed now. In the morning I will send you an email message with the 20 reasons.
I sent her the following message, titled “Twenty Reasons to Marry an Old Man.”
1. Beauty: Everybody looks beautiful or attractive to an old man. I know. I’m like that. His eyes are not that good any longer. Plus, he is not all that physically attractive anyway, so he is careful about criticizing the looks of others.
2. Memory: His memory is not that good. I have no memory left. If you offend him, unless you remind him about it, he has forgotten.
3. Time: Time is no longer money to him. See, I’m speaking with you in the middle of the night because of insomnia. He has 24 hours in the day to care for you because he can’t sleep.
4. Money: He is either financially comfortable or he is not at this stage. Me, I’m broke. Your man is wealthy. A young man is different—you never know; he could start rich and broke by 60.
5. Infidelity: He will be faithful to you. His randy days are over.
6. Longevity: If you have children with him, the child will inherit his longevity gene. That’s good for you.
7. Sex: He knows what works sexually for him. He won’t ask you to do some things that might make you uncomfortable. You may have to remind him sometimes, or even drag him into the bedroom.
8. Friends: You will be his most important friend. He will listen to you. All his old friends have moved on. They may be dead, living far away, or no longer friendly to him. Young men do what their friends tell them to do because they are always in the company of their friends, drinking, gossiping or looking for new lovers.
9. Arguments: He won’t argue with you or try to win an argument. This is good for your ego.
10. Forgiveness: The old goat will forgive you even if you stole his money and spend it on you. His memory is bad anyway. You won’t have to worry about him holding grudges forever.
11. Food: Old men don’t eat much. Sometimes you may have to force him to eat so he doesn’t starve and die. I forgot to eat dinner, for instance. And he knows pretty much what works for his stomach. He won’t experiment too much and certainly won’t ask you to cook six times a day to satisfy his apetite.
12. Patience: He will patiently listen to you, even when you are not making sense.
13. Parties: He is no longer a party animal. His dancing days are over. It is on the dance hall and parties that women lose their partners to the hottest woman at the ball.
14. Fear: He is no longer driven by fear. His actions are more motivated by love, compassion and care.
15. Risk: What dangerous risk does an old man take? He knows the boundary between folly and prudence. Young men are always taking risks, many at their peril.
16. Confidence: the confidence that old men exude is from experience. He has seen it all. What would get you all confused looks simple to him because he could see it coming.
17. Attires: His wardrobe is already good. You can spend his money on building your wardrobe.
18. Influence: He knows lots of people in position of power. He knows the police boss. Or someone who knows the governor. He probably taught the head of the civil service who is your boss. It’s good for your career if you are bidding for a contract.
19. Freedom: He won’t monitor your every movement. You will be free to attend to your business. Some young men would virtual plant a leg device on you to monitor your every movement, out of their insecurity.
20. Death: Hey, Limota, just hold on for a couple of more years. He will soon go to meet his ancestors, and you can inherit a lot of his properties. Just indulge him now and ask to see his will.
Limota responded with, “What are the liabilities?”
I wrote back, “You must ask your friends what the liabilities are. But don’t tell them the name of the man, or they may snatch him from you before the deal is sealed.”
