A good sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and closeness. In other words, if you’re hoping to improve your physical relationship, you need to first work on your emotional connection.
Focus on meeting your partner’s needs and communicating your own needs in a loving, respectful way.
During the early phase of marriage, many couples barely come up for air due to the excitement of falling in love. Unfortunately, this blissful state doesn’t last forever. Scientists have discovered that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) released during the initial stage of infatuation causes couples to feel euphoric and turned on by physical touch.
It actually works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards that bind us to our lover.
Holding hands, hugs, and tender touch are great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for sexual touch that is focused on pleasure.
Here are some tips to bring back the passion in your marriage:
1. Change your pattern of initiating sex… Maybe you are denying your partner or coming on too strong. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game.” Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distancers may want to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” in subtle ways while avoiding critique and demands for closeness.
2. Hold hands more often…Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin causing a calming sensation. Studies show it’s also released during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
3. Next time you kiss, pause, look into your partner’s eyes remembering what it was like when you first met. Touch his/her face. Trace his/her lips with your finger. Slowly bring your lips to your spouse’s lips–first gently kissing his/her upper lip, then lower lip. Embrace your partner and gently kiss them fully, letting your lips part, and enjoy every second of it. After the kissing is finished, just hold each other a few moments longer.
4. Sit and talk about fun and romantic times in your relationship–when you were dating, first married, etc. Enjoy the memories and think about how to bring some of that into the present.
5. Plan a ‘date’–arrange for baby-sitters, clear calendar, etc. (Good to do this one once a week or at least every two weeks!) Don’t go to the same place all the time. Do some old favorites, but also try new experiences or places.
6. Make sex a priority. Set the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.
The good news is that allowing your partner to influence you can reignite the spark you once enjoyed. In fact, friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together:
7. Vary the kind of sex you have…Have gentle, loving-tender, intimate, and highly erotic sex. Break up the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.
Try a new way to make your love-making more sensual and prolonged. (Can use candles, incense, longer foreplay, times of just kissing and holding, caressing, exploring each other’s bodies by touch, etc.
Look at sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.
8. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex…
Share your innermost wishes, fantasies, and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider engaging in individual or couple’s therapy.
9. Give your partner a massage on any part or all of his/her body (if full body, create climate with candles, etc.)
10. Plan a surprise getaway weekend for just the two of you–arranging for baby-sitters, dogsitters, etc. Take your partner someplace you think your spouse will love. You can even go to a nice hotel in your own city!
11. Buy a gift for your partner–it can be a blouse or shirt s/he wanted–or something simple and inexpensive.
12. Write a love letter as if you were just falling in love with this person. You might want to include things that have always attracted you, your partner’s strengths, what he or she does for the marriage or family that you appreciate, how your spouse sometimes brings out the best in you, why you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her — or whatever occurs to you!
13. Tell your partner before you go to bed, or before you leave in the morning, one of the things you love most about him/her (quality, physical characteristic, behavior).
14. Undress your partner as if it were the first time–slowly, touching their body as you go.
15. When you have to go out of town on business, add an extra day and invite your spouse to join you for all or part of your trip.
16. Shower together.
17. Call your partner unexpectedly during the day (or at night if they are out of town) and talk sexy to him/her, telling them how much you long to touch his/her body, feel him/her, etc
